Sometimes I wish so badly that I could be back at home. Not bored. Entertained. No huge money issues. My mommy. My daddy. My comfy bed. Not needing to pay for food, laundry, conditioner or shampoo or any body products in general, clothes, or extra things. I wish I could buy extra things. I wish I didn't have a worry about my money or in this case having a budget of $400 a month. I hate the stress's and the boredom. Not knowing what to do with yourself. But then again wasn't I complaining about these problems before too? Being bored, having money problems, blahblahblah. I can't wait till I find a place where I won't need to write these stupid blogs on how bored or unsatisfied I am. I love Israel to death and I am having an amazing time but, I want more! I want to see more, meet new people, do more things, anything! Well until next time.

The things I think.

Backwards forwards on off jump sink add subtract. I wish I was coasting, sun roof down, music bumping, the ganja flowing, and my friends by my side. I want the California sun light, the rare rainy days, and the unexpected played games. I miss driving up to the house and knowing I am in for a great time. The smoke filled garage and the mismatching chairs. Filled up ash trays and the pictures of a lost friend. The laughs that never stop and the thoughts that are somehow always lost. The moments I have had with the family I could never forget. The stupid comments made about the boredom we have created although we never get up we will just bounce off ideas of what we would like to be, would like to do, and would like to see. I have never had such strong feelings for the people I have greeted into my life and will always have them in the back of my mind. Every step I take and new place I encounter I think of how amazing you all would think it was. The beauty I have taken in can't be described. I miss meeting up everyday. Cig and cigar breaks and Mickey D daily munchies. The plans we make for our day, our weekend, our empty times. I miss just sitting there and having nothing to do but having the best time ever. I miss pushing each others buttons because we know each and every button that will set us off. I miss the inside jokes and the meaningless cries. I have been so blessed with my best friends I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about the bad times, the shit we have been through, the fights, the drama, the loses, the enemies, the situations we have been put in that no one should ever have to be in, the drug use, the addiction, the boredom. All I want to do is sit in that garage, smoke till I can't move, laugh till I go numb, act as retarded as possible, shit talk, come up with the most crazy ideas, and be with the people I love, the people I most care about, the people I call my family. You have made a hand print on my life that I could never get rid of. You will follow me everywhere, be my guardian angels, the ones I go to for everything. We remember the moments of our lost friend. The times that could never be erased. The love we had for him. The impact he made on our lives. The impact he is still making. He brought us close and has kept us close. We go in and out of our group but will always end up back to the original start. You have made me a stronger person, a better person, a bad person, a loving person, and someone who is apart of something. Thank you. I'll repeat until you don't understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Don't ever forget. Don't ever run. Don't stop. My best friends. I never thought it could happen. But you all have filled that spot.

So it's been what about 2-3 weeks? I wish that you would text me or call or or just talk to me. You hang otu with your new friends who are just people who steal and lie and get fucked up on whatever all the time. It sucks that all you want to do is drink and go to parites. It used to be us hanging out all the time, talking constantly, and always being together. I have barely seen you and I leave in 9 days. I keep on thinking how much I am going to miss all of my friends but I rarely see you now that I feel like I have already left. I thought we were best friends but I guess the next best things have come up for you. I think so highly of you and that you are the best friend I have ever had and we never fight and I say the best things about you. But now it's just spiraling down like every other "best friend" friendship I have had. I guess we will see how this next week will go. Please I wish this will all turn around. I miss you so much. I don't know what to say. I give up. This sucks. See you when I get back.

I know all of my blogs are depressing. So here's another. This is the worst summer ever, it fucking sucks. The things I do everyday: wake up watch tv, go on facebook, play guitar, draw, make Kandi, wait for my mom to come home, maybe use her car to go to TO, or watch tv with my mom, go to bed at 12-1, wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I could honestly tell you all of the things I've done so far this summer that's how boring it is. Rarely u get the call to hang out but no one will drive out to me I have to me all of the effort, my friends won't even drive me home if I don't have a ride yet I drive them everywhere and never ask for anything in return. I'm stuck in this apartment 4-5 days out of the week sometimes more. I was fired from my job basically which leads me to no money and no where will hire me. I have no human contact most of the time and the only person I ever see is my mom. Do you see now why I want to leave so badly? I just wish sometimes I'd be asked to do something and not just forgot about cause I live in the valley. Godamn do I wish it was September so I'm out of here.

So agrivated

I have no job. Actually scratch that I work with my best friend, but they dont give me any hours. I was told things but then they never happened. They hired a new person then he got all of the shifts and i got zero. Then he didnt work anymore I got about 2 shifts, then we hire someone else, and guess what? That's right he is working and I'm not working at all. I fucking hate this. I want to leave already. I am so bored and angry. I just want to disappear sometimes actually i want to disappear all of the time. I wonder when I really do leave if people will miss me like they say or when i come back will it be like I am a stranger? I don't care I don't want to be here. Get me out. I'll leave all of my friends I don't care. I want time to speed up so I can leave. I feel like so many things are unfair and that I try way too hard and I want to try less but it always fails. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore whatever. fuck everything i just want to live under a rock forever.

Hope?

I felt a little bit of hope today when I saw her give you a kiss on the cheek and you two hugged. I felt so relieved like maybe you do still love her and maybe there is hope for you two being together. But then when I told you to stay home tonight you said you can't. Even though I begged you. You tucked me into bed tonight like you used to when I was a little girl and said I wish I could stay here and once again I told you to please stay and you replyed with the short answer no i can't. Then that thing I thought I was feeling. The thing of hope was no more. What is hope? How does it work? Is it only for certain people? Anyway that I could get a taste of it? Because the pain I'm feeling is so great that I could take just about anything right now to maybe think positively. Just a small dose. Please? Anything will help... But then and now I am put back into reality. Hope is no more. Face the facts. As you were ripping down slowly the house I have loved the most and have had the best teenage times in it all set in even more. Come June 15th that's when It really gets real. We shall move into our seperate houses. I shall choose when I sleep at eithers house. So maybe I'll ponder on hope another time. But I doubt it will be soon. For all I want is to live in this house watching her give you a kiss on the cheek and you responding to it as I sit in the living room being as happy as can be knowing you are both staying at the house while I become sound asleep. People can hope. As I wish that my dream will come true.

Never will this wish come true.

I can't do it anymore. This whole life thing just is not working out for me. Every corner I turn there is something new that hurts me. Everytime I see a happy couple another memory is lost. I think to myself it's not that big of a deal suck it up. But it is. The feeling of this gicantic hole begining taken out of my life is the most dreadful thing. The momements I'll never see again. A real family that I won't have again. It's all taken. The relationship between father and daughter has been slowly abandon. Nothing will be like it used to. I wish there was something I could do. Anything. I just want that feeling of security again. I've lost where my home is. One moment I'll be alright as my day goes on and not one thing will cross through my head but it takes the smallest of things to bring that back. I can't even go to my best friends
house cause it's too hurtful to see how happy her parents are. I can't be around friends cause all I get are fakes, hypocrites, and liars. I do not know what has happened to my friends. We have all driffted. I feel as though we were so close when dusty passed and now we have parted. I just can't deal with people who only care for themself and are complete assholes. You always look for the next best thing and it's so disgusting to look at how badly people are followers. I just want my life back. I want to go back to march 28th and instead of my dad not being allowed at the house, that my parents would have been able to celebrate 23 years of marriage instead of the next 33 years of there lifes divorced. All I want in the whole wide world is for my dad to love my mom again. I want my parents back. I want my fucking life back. It's so god damn frustrating that I can't have that back ever. So here I'll sit. Crying and writing a blog about how I wish dreams could come true.

I miss you a lot right now. I wish you were here. :(

Rest In Peace Dustin Fante

I have not yet been able to express my emotion towards what happened at 9:08 P.M. Wednesday night February 24th 2010. I have lost someone very close to me and I don't yet believe he is gone. The impact he has made on my life has been tremendous. I didn't really realize how big of a part you played in my life. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many memories fly in and out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes I see memories playing back of good times we have had. I just want to pull you out of a picture and have you sitting next to me again with Sarah and Darrah and Joe just sitting smoking and laughing. I just want to bump into you and say hey. I want to be able to get a call from you pick my phone up and hear you say "hey are you with Sarah right now? Wanna meetup?" I want to call your phone and hear your ringback tone. There are so many things I want to do and this list can go on and on. I want one more moment with you I want to say I'm sorry. The last words I said to you were "dusty you're a low life and you don't deserve Sarah". I can't believe that that has to be the last memory i shared with you. the last moment that we had together was so angry yet you remained so calm and collected and you never were like that when it came to an argument. you loved sarah so much and I never saw anybody care for my best friend as much as you did. The things you would say to me about her were so pure and from the heart. I know that all you wanted was to be with her forever. To share every moment you had with her. She was the only thing that mattered to you . She was the world. Dusty you were one of the most caring people i had ever met. It didnt matter how much I would get on your nerves you would still always be there for me. You were forgiving and true to your friends. I will never forget any of the times I have spent with you. The laughs we have shared and just the unreal moments of what a true friend is. You have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I just wish that I could have learned all of this with you still alive and with us. I can't accept that you are gone at all. I feel as though I will wake up and it would be one of those mornings after a fat party at my house or your house and I'd walk into my parents room to find you and sarah and that room always reeking of weed because you forgot to take it out of your pocket. The morning after a party was always the best cause it was like we were a huge family and you and sarah were the mama and the papa. We have had so many bad moments but all of the millions of amazing moments have over come those bad ones. I never knew this would happen to a friend this close to me and I wish that there was some way any way that I could take everything back and for you to be okay and just ready to hang out and have a good time again. Dusty I have never met someone as genuine as you and I will treasure all of the times we had. You are always in my thoughts and i love you and miss you so much I can't stand it. I would do anything just to see you again and act as though nothing had ever happened. I miss you and I can't wait to see you again one day soon. Take care of all of us and I know you are looking down at us and protecting us. We are looking up at you and talk about you everyday. See you soon Dustin. I will never forget you.
Dustin Koji Fante
11/2/89-2/24/10

Maya.

I miss you.
israel
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i miss you.

thats us but we are better looking.

israel

Marijuana

I don't want to lie anymore. Everyone I smoke bud. I smoke a lot of bud. I don't want to be judged I don't want to be put down. It's annoying as fuck having to hide it. But I'm a gypsy and I can't help it I have to smoke the ganja. I have been on so much medication lately I feel like bud only levels me out. Yeah yeah I know I sound stupid and like every other "stoner" But I can not lie and I can not lie to you people anymore. Im a marijuana smoking gypsy and that's all I have to say. I wish I was sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand smoking and listening to the grateful dead all day. And eating delicious fruit. -Gypsy.

Anxiety

Taking over my life. Trapped. Fearful.

Sudden realization.

Death. Have you ever been sat down and told if you don't treat this problem you're going to die? Do you understand how scary that is? "Olivia if you don't get your asthma treated you will end up dying" that's what was said to me today in the doctors office. I was then given drugs that might make me have an allergic reaction. Put on more drugs that might make me crazy. Given even more drugs that if the other drugs make me crazy take these drugs to even myself out. Then more proair more qvar. What are they going to do next? Oh and I might get addicted to the pills that will mellow me out if I don't take the with care. I can't take my concerta because that might fuck me up. So no concentration for me for a while. I'm like a human tester. Let's see what we can put Olivia onto next. Maybe one day I'll have my own room in kaiser permanente. The best part of this check up was the doctor put my mom in her place. It was awesome I love this doctor. Btw I got a shot in the butt today. By an Asian. Who hates getting shots too. So cross your fingers that I'm finally treating my asthma correctly and that my treatment keeps my alive. Stay away from the white light. Only good is up ahead.

I don't understand anything you do. I don't understand why you yell why you scream why you make everyone around you feel like they should get up and walk away. The things you do scare me, your actions are always negative, and the emotions you show are always false. You make me lie, you make me not want to be me, you make me break down and cry. How can one person do all of this to someone they say they love? How can you push your own family away and make them not want to be around you? How can you make me hate so much? It's always "Olivia we need to talk about this and that" or "Olivia what are your reasons for this and why do you do that?" You never accept. You never go with the flow. You never help me without a fight. I feel trapped in this world that I need to get out of. I can't be held down and locked up with the feeling of suffocation. Growing up and being put down time after time I get lost. I can't go to you for anything. I can't tell you things that are going on in my life. I can't tell you the whole story I always have to make it so it's okay for you to hear so I don't get into trouble. Being able to have a normal conversation without yelling would be a miracle. The things that you have rubbed off on me will never be able to be taken off. You're the reason I eat, you're the reason I starve myself, you're the reason I have to work out five days a week, you're the reason I hate coming home, you're the reason I love thursdays it's because I don't have to see you, you're the reason I drink, you're the reason I smoke weed, you're the reason I used to do drugs, you're the reason I want to do drugs, you're the reason I can't breathe. You knock me down all the time and I pick myself back up again and rebuild myself, but it's never the same. I am becoming weaker and weaker and I'm not sure how much more I can take until I shatter completely. You're right I am depressed, you're right I am over weight, you're right I am confused, you're right I am scared, you're right I do lie. It's all because of you though. You drive me to do all of these things. You drive me to not want be apart of your life. I hate the things you do. I hate when you talk to me. I hate how you make me feel. I hate your double standards. I hate that you are a hypocrite. I hate you. I will never be able to get away from my lies. I will never be able to get away from my habits. I will never be able to love you like I should love you. You created a monster. You created hate. You created all of the things that are wrong and bad in my life. You have created my fear. I will never be able to be at peace with you. I am a fake person. I am a lousy person. I am a hateful person. I am an ungrateful person. I am a mean person. I am a cheater. I am not a looker. I am not me. I won't ever know exactly who Olivia Mandel is because the Olivia Mandel everyone else sees is covered head to toe in lies. I always say when I move away I am going to start over and I am going to find myself and blah blah blah. But that won't ever happen. I won't ever find that person. I won't be successful. I won't ever be me. But one day, one day I hope and pray and wish that I will be able to break free from everything. Break free from this horrid person and be the person I long to be. You know I am not perfect and I know a lot of nothing. I just have so much to shout, but you, you will never listen. It's your way or no ones way. There is only one way to go in your life. No one can ever tell you other wise because it's wrong. I can't live up to what you want. So I want everything to be thrown away. I want to not be apart of you. I want freedom. Because you are restriction. I want this to end. It never will. So I will go on and I will do the same. I lie, I cheat, I use, I eat, I suffocate. And that's where I will always be. In the world I am trapped in. Fear.

Asthma

Why have you been wanting to kill me lately? I am not sick anymore yet you continue to be acting up. Why is this? I have to had any smoke pass these lips down to my lungs. So what would be the cause of you hating on me? You are the reason I am unable to go to the gym, to sleep comfortably, to run, to jump, to skip, to hop, to anything! It's no good I tell you no good! I don't want to be puffing on my inhaler every 2 minutes it's nonsense! I guess I will forever be the girl who has asthma, gets sick offten, and likes to go home early. Forever will I be looked at as the tall girl with the inhaler. So please just please do me a favor and go away. Be like you used to be and rarely come up. It would be very helpful and nice.

So stressed

I have my two finals tomorrow. I have a D in english and a C in government. I am so scared i am not going to graduate. This is one of the most frightening things ever. I hope i do okay and get atleast a B on my english and government final. Please please please do well olivia.

It's so..

Up and down with you. One moment you text me nonstop for two days the next you barely talk to me. YOu say you like me you say all of this stuff but you don't show it. This is going nowhere and i won't be putting up with this for much longer. We talk we argue we stop. Can we not find an in between to this? It's so aggravating that I tell you how I feel and it means nothing. You want all of this to work out then why arent you trying?! You say I'm up and down, no you are the one who is up and down. Make your mind up about me. Time is running out. Soon enough I won't even be around for you to even tell me hi.

What's going on?

I don't even know what is going on around me. The blandness of my days is killing me. The thought of living in San Francisco is running further and further away from me. Senior year? doesn't even feel like it. I feel like I am already not a teenager and im not even 18 years of age. I feel as though I should be let to do more things although i wish I couldn't as well. The thoughts fluttering in my head about relationships, girls, guys, people, no one, fake, wants, needs, restrictions. When does it end when does it begin? Or does it ever begin? I can almost hear that song. You know that song when you walk down that long footbal, field to sit down and wait to finally move that tassel to the other side and finally say the most cliche thing ever " we did it class of 2010" but it's all worth it right? because we really did do it. we graduated. we sat through the 55 minute classes 5 days a week 10 monthes a year for 4 years. the tests, quiz's, book reports, essays, projects, vocab tests, flash cards, text books, detentions, saturday schools, gross cafeteria food, plays, choir concerts, rallys, football games, dance concerts, p.e. finals, governement glasses, math, english, bio, AP, honors, cp, standard. we did it. all of it. so whats the next page? lets just wait for that day. until then i will be waiting here at my desk for that change for the last few strides of being a teen, the last tears, the last days, until june when we all say those goodbyes and part. till then i'm here. waiting.

not again.

youre back in my life again.
its happening.
that thing you do.
not good.

Days

I love everyday that I have been blessed with. I love the people I have been blessed with. I love the parents and sister I have been blessed with. I am so happy with everything. I hope it stays like this for a while. I finally found two people who could actually be a best friend to me. I like my job. I like school. I like my volunteering. I love these girls.