Sometimes I wish so badly that I could be back at home. Not bored. Entertained. No huge money issues. My mommy. My daddy. My comfy bed. Not needing to pay for food, laundry, conditioner or shampoo or any body products in general, clothes, or extra things. I wish I could buy extra things. I wish I didn't have a worry about my money or in this case having a budget of $400 a month. I hate the stress's and the boredom. Not knowing what to do with yourself. But then again wasn't I complaining about these problems before too? Being bored, having money problems, blahblahblah. I can't wait till I find a place where I won't need to write these stupid blogs on how bored or unsatisfied I am. I love Israel to death and I am having an amazing time but, I want more! I want to see more, meet new people, do more things, anything! Well until next time.

The things I think.

Backwards forwards on off jump sink add subtract. I wish I was coasting, sun roof down, music bumping, the ganja flowing, and my friends by my side. I want the California sun light, the rare rainy days, and the unexpected played games. I miss driving up to the house and knowing I am in for a great time. The smoke filled garage and the mismatching chairs. Filled up ash trays and the pictures of a lost friend. The laughs that never stop and the thoughts that are somehow always lost. The moments I have had with the family I could never forget. The stupid comments made about the boredom we have created although we never get up we will just bounce off ideas of what we would like to be, would like to do, and would like to see. I have never had such strong feelings for the people I have greeted into my life and will always have them in the back of my mind. Every step I take and new place I encounter I think of how amazing you all would think it was. The beauty I have taken in can't be described. I miss meeting up everyday. Cig and cigar breaks and Mickey D daily munchies. The plans we make for our day, our weekend, our empty times. I miss just sitting there and having nothing to do but having the best time ever. I miss pushing each others buttons because we know each and every button that will set us off. I miss the inside jokes and the meaningless cries. I have been so blessed with my best friends I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about the bad times, the shit we have been through, the fights, the drama, the loses, the enemies, the situations we have been put in that no one should ever have to be in, the drug use, the addiction, the boredom. All I want to do is sit in that garage, smoke till I can't move, laugh till I go numb, act as retarded as possible, shit talk, come up with the most crazy ideas, and be with the people I love, the people I most care about, the people I call my family. You have made a hand print on my life that I could never get rid of. You will follow me everywhere, be my guardian angels, the ones I go to for everything. We remember the moments of our lost friend. The times that could never be erased. The love we had for him. The impact he made on our lives. The impact he is still making. He brought us close and has kept us close. We go in and out of our group but will always end up back to the original start. You have made me a stronger person, a better person, a bad person, a loving person, and someone who is apart of something. Thank you. I'll repeat until you don't understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Don't ever forget. Don't ever run. Don't stop. My best friends. I never thought it could happen. But you all have filled that spot.

So it's been what about 2-3 weeks? I wish that you would text me or call or or just talk to me. You hang otu with your new friends who are just people who steal and lie and get fucked up on whatever all the time. It sucks that all you want to do is drink and go to parites. It used to be us hanging out all the time, talking constantly, and always being together. I have barely seen you and I leave in 9 days. I keep on thinking how much I am going to miss all of my friends but I rarely see you now that I feel like I have already left. I thought we were best friends but I guess the next best things have come up for you. I think so highly of you and that you are the best friend I have ever had and we never fight and I say the best things about you. But now it's just spiraling down like every other "best friend" friendship I have had. I guess we will see how this next week will go. Please I wish this will all turn around. I miss you so much. I don't know what to say. I give up. This sucks. See you when I get back.

I know all of my blogs are depressing. So here's another. This is the worst summer ever, it fucking sucks. The things I do everyday: wake up watch tv, go on facebook, play guitar, draw, make Kandi, wait for my mom to come home, maybe use her car to go to TO, or watch tv with my mom, go to bed at 12-1, wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I could honestly tell you all of the things I've done so far this summer that's how boring it is. Rarely u get the call to hang out but no one will drive out to me I have to me all of the effort, my friends won't even drive me home if I don't have a ride yet I drive them everywhere and never ask for anything in return. I'm stuck in this apartment 4-5 days out of the week sometimes more. I was fired from my job basically which leads me to no money and no where will hire me. I have no human contact most of the time and the only person I ever see is my mom. Do you see now why I want to leave so badly? I just wish sometimes I'd be asked to do something and not just forgot about cause I live in the valley. Godamn do I wish it was September so I'm out of here.

So agrivated

I have no job. Actually scratch that I work with my best friend, but they dont give me any hours. I was told things but then they never happened. They hired a new person then he got all of the shifts and i got zero. Then he didnt work anymore I got about 2 shifts, then we hire someone else, and guess what? That's right he is working and I'm not working at all. I fucking hate this. I want to leave already. I am so bored and angry. I just want to disappear sometimes actually i want to disappear all of the time. I wonder when I really do leave if people will miss me like they say or when i come back will it be like I am a stranger? I don't care I don't want to be here. Get me out. I'll leave all of my friends I don't care. I want time to speed up so I can leave. I feel like so many things are unfair and that I try way too hard and I want to try less but it always fails. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore whatever. fuck everything i just want to live under a rock forever.