Didn't see that coming.

I don't even know what to say. I have rewritten this sentence at least 4 times because I am at a lose for words. My mind is all jumbled up. My thoughts have turned to mush. All I can think about is what must be going through their heads. The passing of a family member is a great fear for most people. Today some people have faced that fear. I can not even imagine how one would feel. This is a complete and total shock and surprise. What a great person. It wasn't his time to go but I guess god thought it was his time. The things he brought into peoples lives. The main things I could always remember is him being so worried about his daughter all the time, so worried about his whole family. A caring person. With an open heart. He has touched us all in different ways. I remember being frightened of him and thinking he always would suspect me of one thing or another. But in the end it was just him being caring, thoughtful, and protective. You are in everyones heart and will be deeply and truly missed. You are in a better place now, watching over all of us. Rest easy papa gerig.
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Crash

I feel trapped. I feel closed in. I feel as if I can't breathe. I feel like someone is suffocating me. I feel conquered. I feel defeated. I feel never ending. I feel as though there is nothing to do besides sink into the nothingness of my bed. I feel like I can't break free. I feel that I will never leave this place. I feel that every thing will stay the same forever. I feel as though change is not in the future. I feel that we are being crushed by ignorance. I feel that the world is falling down on all of us and we are being taken over by global warming and the faulty economy. I feel that nothing will ever be new. I feel that I will never wake up in the morning without weezing with asthma. I feel impatient. I feel misguided. I feel neglected. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel I do more bad than I should be doing. I feel the need to give back. I feel the fears of my life. I feel I should not be so judgemental. I feel I should be more open. I feel I need to be cleaned of all the bad. I feel a part missing. I feel that the sight of myself is slipping away from me and I won't be able to get it back.

WOW

I saw earth today. Talk about amazing.

FML

Odd phone call tonight. Strange things are going to happen tomorrow. I just know it. Awkward morning is in my future. Not to sure how I feel abouts that. I am biting my nails in a nervous roar.

YOU

Are home. FINALLY. I am oh so very happy sir. I just wanted you to know that. Did you know that? I am so excited to see your bright and shining face!

^^That's how happy^^

I just need to scream!

I am so annoyed right now and I don't even know why. I need to work out, eat better, look for a job, study more, do homework, and I need to focus. Everything bothers me. I feel like I can't do anything. I can''t seem to complete anything. I wish I could be motivated. I have so much in my mind but there is nothing going on. I am so frustrated with everything! I wish I could focus in on school, because I feel like a failure. I went from a B to a D in math. I have a C- in history. I have a C+ in english and a B in ASL. I am doing to bad in school it kills me. I wish I had the motivation like I used to last semester. School is not for me. I wish I could just skip forward to my life. I want to move already. I want to skip forward and be a music therapist already. I hate high school. I just want to be saved from it. I wish I could have a new life. I want to take the GED so I can just get out already. Gahhhh I want to pull my hair out! I am so frustrated. I need something more in life. I need something new. I need a better life!

My sisters 21st birthday was today. How she has blossomed into a beautiful woman. I love her so much and I hope all of wishes and dreams come true. I know they will. Photo cred: Olivia Mandel 

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wow

So um life equals um perfect? Why yes. I am sho sho happy. Well San Francisco was absolutely amazing. Spring break has been great. Parties. Hanging out with friends. Going to venice. Relaxing. I don't want to go back to school. Ah! Summer is in two months! So let's hurry this up. 

My home.

The moment I layed eyes on you I knew you were the one. I knew you were the thing to keep me going. I knew you were the push in my life. I knew you were where my heart longed for. I knew all of these things without realizing. Gosh how I have a need for you. I strive to be apart of you. I yearn to have a place someone in this blessed place. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't wait to be here forever. I can't wait to fit in, to belong, to love. My journey will start shortly. My heart will be filled. My life will be complete. One year, two months, and 3 weeks. This is what I am counting down for when I am here to stay. My life, my heart, my journey belongs in San Francisco. My home. I have never felt so right about one place in my life, it is just crazy. I can't wait to enroll myself into SF community college. I can't wait to get an apartment. I can't wait to finally start my life. Finally be with the people I deserve to be with. Do things with my life that I should have done a while ago. Every time I go back to San Francisco I feel like I am going back home. When ever I feel like I go back to Thousand Oaks I feel like I am going on a nightmare vacation. Save me. You will soon. One year, two months, and three weeks. One year, two months, and three weeks. One year, two months, and three weeks. 

Feeling.

I feel whole again. I drove 200 miles today with my pop to beautiful San Francisco. Gosh what a great ride up here. It was so beautiful today because it was raining and we drove through mountains and such. I can't wait to start my day tomorrow and take some pictures, walk around, and maybe work on a new song. I'll get to play with my little cousins tomorrow which should be fun and that I am quite excited about. Going into the city on saturday. Sunday going to this plant thing I am not sure what it is but it sounds better then how I am saying it on here. Monday going to have some alone time and walk around the city in union square, then have the rest of the day with my pop. Going to this restaurant that my dad is doing a book for. Going to Castro street, Haight Ashbury, Hippie hill hopefully, the Fairy building, and a few more of my favorite places. Gosh I am so happy here. I am going to be so sad when I return home. I don't want to think about going back. Oh but I will be looking at schools and apartments so I am happy! Moving next year. I can't wait!! Well I am too tired to understand or write well right now. I feel as though I am just writing in a diary all of my nonsense like a nine year old girl. I feel as though I am free. Surrounded by my possibilities. Gosh I am too excited.

I feel as though I have nothing to write about. Nothing exciting is happening in my life. It's dull boring and needs some lighting up. I need something new to fill my time. Oh wait I have something to look forward to. Brock is coming home next week!!! I am going to see him I am so excited to also see where he is going on his mission. I am going to miss him so much :(. Oh Um I hate passover. I don't like my mom she's so stupid and so rude to me and I hate it. She makes me want to scream and cry and sometimes I just want to push her. She drives me crazy I hate it. I seriously cannot take living with her. I am so happy I won't see her for five days. It is going to be so peaceful and quiet and nice. Ahh I am so excited. San Francisco with my dad is going to be AMAZING. Much better then with my mom. She would just control everything and be a bitch. I seriously have such a disliking for her. It's so hard because I wish she was a mom that I could go to for anything. But she's not. She's horrible to be around and everyone in the family knows that. I just feel bad for my dad. Well San Fran tomorrow. Yay. 

My home.

I will be there tomorrow! Just one day until I am out of this hell hole. Off to San Francisco! Gosh I am so excited. My heart is going to explode.

San Francisco in 3 days. I am over come with excitement and joy. I am going to walk around my soon to be home until I drop to the floor. I love my life. Spring break in 3 days.

Awhhh.

I feel fresh, clean, and happier then ever. I have never felt so good about myself and my life. This is good this is great. I feel as though I can breathe once again. Like I have an unlimited supply of happiness. My life is moving forward now. I am getting somewhere. I am not stuck anymore. Doing the same things over and over again. I can do different things. I can do my own things. I have no worries. I have no regrets. I have no sorrow. I am 100% me. No one is attached. No one reflects me. I don't reflect off of anyone. I am me and it will stay that way. I don't need to be tossed. So heres to a new day. Heres to broken endings and great beginnings I have waited for this for many months. I finally have it. The world is mine to conquer. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop laughing. I can't stop being happy. It's what I have been looking for and now I have it. I have the ability to do anything. This freedom is what I have needed. So what's next because I am certainly ready. 

 I just want to embrace the world and meet new people and make new friends. Life is good. Life is great. Life is pure. I have learned so much from this and I will keep on learning. I think this was one of the smartest things I have ever done. Gahh I just want to do so much. I am going to now eat all natural and organic foods. I want to strive to be a vegan. I am going to focus more. I am going to complete and record an album. I am going to think only positively. I am going to do so much better. I feel like a new person. 

 I can't wait to find a new job. Work and do school work. I can't wait to go to Oklahoma to see my best friend kelly. I can't wait for senior year. I can't wait for graduation. I can't wait to go to the beach. I can't wait for everything. I can't wait to go to San Francisco this week. I can't wait to move there. I feel clean and refreshed. Life is great.

No more.

I'm done and my life is moving forward without you. I'm happy. I'm glad. But I am not sad. You were a lost cause. I am finished being tossed around. I'm free. I am me.

Silence.

You say we are going to end up together. You say in the end it's just going to be you and me. You say I'm your best friend. You say you don't lie. You say you are okay. You say it's not your fault. You say so many things. Have you ever stopped to think about what the people around you have to say? The people that actually truly love you and care about you. Not the fake people, the ones who say they care who say they are your friends but in reality are not even close. You listen so much to the people who didn't even call you on your birthday to say happy birthday. The people who won't offer to give you a ride unless you pay them. The people who are so consumed in getting fucked up that they don't remember your face the third time they meet you. For some reason I don't understand why you would keep hanging around them, keep running after them, keep going back after they fucked you over. What runs in your head when you think about going there? How could one person WANT to go back there willingly? Then you come back from that damned place and are happy but yet again you get in trouble. Once more you are grounded. Aren't you tired of being locked up? Being yelled at by your parents? Crying? Being miserable? Maybe that's why you ran. Maybe that's why you keep going back. Because you are afraid of the good. You are afraid of not being accepted by others so you are defiant to the ones who care. Run. Run to the place where you will not return from one day. Run from your fears. Run from the good. Run from help. Run from everything that matters. You're doing a good job so far. No one is out to get you. You just think they are. It's your imagination. You need to fess up. Come clean with yourself and your family. Let people help. All everyone wants is just what's best for you. You need to be home soon. Everything is going to get worse. Everything is going to crumble. Everything will die out. Be patient with everything. Be will to change. Open your heart. Open your mind. Give in. Come to your senses. Be safe. Be clean. Be forgiving. God is looking out for you. Find it in your heart to look out for him.

Day five.

Well picked her up yesterday from Simi. Frozen, hungry, unwashed, lying, the same. It's been five days now. Don't you think she has had enough? But no she doesn't want to come home. She is not allowed to stay at where she thought she had a home. Bumming rides off of her last resort who is a horrible person. Acting like she had to get out of that house because everyone hated her, she wasn't apart of the family, she did nothing wrong. Having to make her realize it is her fault, she is careless, parties, having to tell her you are growing up in a mormon house hold and the flat out rule is going to be no drugs, no drinking, no smoking. But you choose to do the opposite. You're stubborn, selfish, and oblivious. You think none of this is your fault. Well guess what it is all your fault. I think it is really mean what your sister has been doing and she is very confused and up and down about this situation. But your mom and dad are worried about you and miss you. But you can't get passed the hate. You can't get passed the victimizing yourself. You need to see what you are doing is fucking up your whole entire life. Think about it. No more lies from you I am sick and tired of it. Be safe. Be clean. Be smart. God is looking out for you. He knows what is best. Just listen and maybe you will hear.

Day three

No call today. Worried sick. No nothing. I was just waiting for the clock to turn 11:30 so I could get that phone call. So I could hear your voice to know that you are okay. Why did you do this to me? Why did you not call me? Why are you so selfish? I don't understand you at all. I just miss you. I miss your smile, I miss your happiness, I miss your seven different laughs, I miss your impressions, I miss the way we used to sing stay awake until we were sick of it, I miss making starbucks or jamba runs, I miss you even being grounded, at least I knew you were safe, I miss going to marisco's and throwing salt over our shoulders, I miss your annoying and immature personality, I miss your loud voice, I miss your beautiful songs you would play for me on guitar, I miss the videos you love to take, I miss hanging out with you, I miss texting you, I miss reading your myspace bulletins, I am going to miss seeing you come into work every time I am there, I miss you. I miss every little thing about you. You have been gone for three days now, what feels like a life time. I hope you are safe. I hope you are making the right choices. I hope you are thinking of me. I played guitar today for one hour of all of your favorite songs you like when I play guitar and sing them, like: the world spins madly on, displaced, make you feel my love, turpentine, hallelujah, the song I wrote for you, soco amaretto lime, wild horses, the scientist, sea of love, birds, I wanna hold your hand, and stay awake. While I was playing/singing these songs I felt as if you could hear them like old times. I felt like I had to play for you so everything would be okay. To be your guardian angel, watching over you. So that you were safe. I felt like you were right there or that you know that I was playing them. I just want you to come home. Be with your family they miss you and love you. Your parents are constantly calling Marli seeing if she got a call from you. I can't stop talking about you and bringing stuff up that we have done. We have done everything together. You are my sister. I love you more then the world. Be safe. Be clean. Be selfless. I'm praying for you. God is looking out for you. Find your way home.