I know all of my blogs are depressing. So here's another. This is the worst summer ever, it fucking sucks. The things I do everyday: wake up watch tv, go on facebook, play guitar, draw, make Kandi, wait for my mom to come home, maybe use her car to go to TO, or watch tv with my mom, go to bed at 12-1, wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I could honestly tell you all of the things I've done so far this summer that's how boring it is. Rarely u get the call to hang out but no one will drive out to me I have to me all of the effort, my friends won't even drive me home if I don't have a ride yet I drive them everywhere and never ask for anything in return. I'm stuck in this apartment 4-5 days out of the week sometimes more. I was fired from my job basically which leads me to no money and no where will hire me. I have no human contact most of the time and the only person I ever see is my mom. Do you see now why I want to leave so badly? I just wish sometimes I'd be asked to do something and not just forgot about cause I live in the valley. Godamn do I wish it was September so I'm out of here.

So agrivated

I have no job. Actually scratch that I work with my best friend, but they dont give me any hours. I was told things but then they never happened. They hired a new person then he got all of the shifts and i got zero. Then he didnt work anymore I got about 2 shifts, then we hire someone else, and guess what? That's right he is working and I'm not working at all. I fucking hate this. I want to leave already. I am so bored and angry. I just want to disappear sometimes actually i want to disappear all of the time. I wonder when I really do leave if people will miss me like they say or when i come back will it be like I am a stranger? I don't care I don't want to be here. Get me out. I'll leave all of my friends I don't care. I want time to speed up so I can leave. I feel like so many things are unfair and that I try way too hard and I want to try less but it always fails. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore whatever. fuck everything i just want to live under a rock forever.

Hope?

I felt a little bit of hope today when I saw her give you a kiss on the cheek and you two hugged. I felt so relieved like maybe you do still love her and maybe there is hope for you two being together. But then when I told you to stay home tonight you said you can't. Even though I begged you. You tucked me into bed tonight like you used to when I was a little girl and said I wish I could stay here and once again I told you to please stay and you replyed with the short answer no i can't. Then that thing I thought I was feeling. The thing of hope was no more. What is hope? How does it work? Is it only for certain people? Anyway that I could get a taste of it? Because the pain I'm feeling is so great that I could take just about anything right now to maybe think positively. Just a small dose. Please? Anything will help... But then and now I am put back into reality. Hope is no more. Face the facts. As you were ripping down slowly the house I have loved the most and have had the best teenage times in it all set in even more. Come June 15th that's when It really gets real. We shall move into our seperate houses. I shall choose when I sleep at eithers house. So maybe I'll ponder on hope another time. But I doubt it will be soon. For all I want is to live in this house watching her give you a kiss on the cheek and you responding to it as I sit in the living room being as happy as can be knowing you are both staying at the house while I become sound asleep. People can hope. As I wish that my dream will come true.

Never will this wish come true.

I can't do it anymore. This whole life thing just is not working out for me. Every corner I turn there is something new that hurts me. Everytime I see a happy couple another memory is lost. I think to myself it's not that big of a deal suck it up. But it is. The feeling of this gicantic hole begining taken out of my life is the most dreadful thing. The momements I'll never see again. A real family that I won't have again. It's all taken. The relationship between father and daughter has been slowly abandon. Nothing will be like it used to. I wish there was something I could do. Anything. I just want that feeling of security again. I've lost where my home is. One moment I'll be alright as my day goes on and not one thing will cross through my head but it takes the smallest of things to bring that back. I can't even go to my best friends
house cause it's too hurtful to see how happy her parents are. I can't be around friends cause all I get are fakes, hypocrites, and liars. I do not know what has happened to my friends. We have all driffted. I feel as though we were so close when dusty passed and now we have parted. I just can't deal with people who only care for themself and are complete assholes. You always look for the next best thing and it's so disgusting to look at how badly people are followers. I just want my life back. I want to go back to march 28th and instead of my dad not being allowed at the house, that my parents would have been able to celebrate 23 years of marriage instead of the next 33 years of there lifes divorced. All I want in the whole wide world is for my dad to love my mom again. I want my parents back. I want my fucking life back. It's so god damn frustrating that I can't have that back ever. So here I'll sit. Crying and writing a blog about how I wish dreams could come true.

I miss you a lot right now. I wish you were here. :(