Hope?

I felt a little bit of hope today when I saw her give you a kiss on the cheek and you two hugged. I felt so relieved like maybe you do still love her and maybe there is hope for you two being together. But then when I told you to stay home tonight you said you can't. Even though I begged you. You tucked me into bed tonight like you used to when I was a little girl and said I wish I could stay here and once again I told you to please stay and you replyed with the short answer no i can't. Then that thing I thought I was feeling. The thing of hope was no more. What is hope? How does it work? Is it only for certain people? Anyway that I could get a taste of it? Because the pain I'm feeling is so great that I could take just about anything right now to maybe think positively. Just a small dose. Please? Anything will help... But then and now I am put back into reality. Hope is no more. Face the facts. As you were ripping down slowly the house I have loved the most and have had the best teenage times in it all set in even more. Come June 15th that's when It really gets real. We shall move into our seperate houses. I shall choose when I sleep at eithers house. So maybe I'll ponder on hope another time. But I doubt it will be soon. For all I want is to live in this house watching her give you a kiss on the cheek and you responding to it as I sit in the living room being as happy as can be knowing you are both staying at the house while I become sound asleep. People can hope. As I wish that my dream will come true.

Never will this wish come true.

I can't do it anymore. This whole life thing just is not working out for me. Every corner I turn there is something new that hurts me. Everytime I see a happy couple another memory is lost. I think to myself it's not that big of a deal suck it up. But it is. The feeling of this gicantic hole begining taken out of my life is the most dreadful thing. The momements I'll never see again. A real family that I won't have again. It's all taken. The relationship between father and daughter has been slowly abandon. Nothing will be like it used to. I wish there was something I could do. Anything. I just want that feeling of security again. I've lost where my home is. One moment I'll be alright as my day goes on and not one thing will cross through my head but it takes the smallest of things to bring that back. I can't even go to my best friends
house cause it's too hurtful to see how happy her parents are. I can't be around friends cause all I get are fakes, hypocrites, and liars. I do not know what has happened to my friends. We have all driffted. I feel as though we were so close when dusty passed and now we have parted. I just can't deal with people who only care for themself and are complete assholes. You always look for the next best thing and it's so disgusting to look at how badly people are followers. I just want my life back. I want to go back to march 28th and instead of my dad not being allowed at the house, that my parents would have been able to celebrate 23 years of marriage instead of the next 33 years of there lifes divorced. All I want in the whole wide world is for my dad to love my mom again. I want my parents back. I want my fucking life back. It's so god damn frustrating that I can't have that back ever. So here I'll sit. Crying and writing a blog about how I wish dreams could come true.

I miss you a lot right now. I wish you were here. :(

Rest In Peace Dustin Fante

I have not yet been able to express my emotion towards what happened at 9:08 P.M. Wednesday night February 24th 2010. I have lost someone very close to me and I don't yet believe he is gone. The impact he has made on my life has been tremendous. I didn't really realize how big of a part you played in my life. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many memories fly in and out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes I see memories playing back of good times we have had. I just want to pull you out of a picture and have you sitting next to me again with Sarah and Darrah and Joe just sitting smoking and laughing. I just want to bump into you and say hey. I want to be able to get a call from you pick my phone up and hear you say "hey are you with Sarah right now? Wanna meetup?" I want to call your phone and hear your ringback tone. There are so many things I want to do and this list can go on and on. I want one more moment with you I want to say I'm sorry. The last words I said to you were "dusty you're a low life and you don't deserve Sarah". I can't believe that that has to be the last memory i shared with you. the last moment that we had together was so angry yet you remained so calm and collected and you never were like that when it came to an argument. you loved sarah so much and I never saw anybody care for my best friend as much as you did. The things you would say to me about her were so pure and from the heart. I know that all you wanted was to be with her forever. To share every moment you had with her. She was the only thing that mattered to you . She was the world. Dusty you were one of the most caring people i had ever met. It didnt matter how much I would get on your nerves you would still always be there for me. You were forgiving and true to your friends. I will never forget any of the times I have spent with you. The laughs we have shared and just the unreal moments of what a true friend is. You have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I just wish that I could have learned all of this with you still alive and with us. I can't accept that you are gone at all. I feel as though I will wake up and it would be one of those mornings after a fat party at my house or your house and I'd walk into my parents room to find you and sarah and that room always reeking of weed because you forgot to take it out of your pocket. The morning after a party was always the best cause it was like we were a huge family and you and sarah were the mama and the papa. We have had so many bad moments but all of the millions of amazing moments have over come those bad ones. I never knew this would happen to a friend this close to me and I wish that there was some way any way that I could take everything back and for you to be okay and just ready to hang out and have a good time again. Dusty I have never met someone as genuine as you and I will treasure all of the times we had. You are always in my thoughts and i love you and miss you so much I can't stand it. I would do anything just to see you again and act as though nothing had ever happened. I miss you and I can't wait to see you again one day soon. Take care of all of us and I know you are looking down at us and protecting us. We are looking up at you and talk about you everyday. See you soon Dustin. I will never forget you.
Dustin Koji Fante
11/2/89-2/24/10

Maya.

I miss you.
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i miss you.

thats us but we are better looking.

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