Day two.

I saw you today, and you act as if nothing has changed. As if everything is going your way. I dropped you off out in Simi today to stay for just one day. I can't believe this is what you are choosing for you life just because things don't go your way. I hope you realize what a big mistake you are making. I hope you see that you can't just go home in a few weeks and think your parents are gonna take you back. Make the right choices. Choose the right path. I don't understand how it could be this hard to do. When Jackie and I talked to you today and told you how stupid you are for doing this you just sat back and took it all in. I hope you see that you will just end up like Andy. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll see you tomorrow. Day three. I hope it's a little better. Be safe. Be clean. Be yourself. I have never prayed for anything in my life. But tonight I will pray. You're in my dreams. You're in my heart. You're in my thoughts. I love you. I'm thinking of you. God is looking out for you. He will keep you safe.

Find your way back home. Learn from your bad behavior.

Again

You have run away once more. Running away from reality, from everything that's really, from your fait. You need to face it. Face everything. You are getting too old to do this. Grow up become mature approach your fears. Stop being a baby. Stop being childish. Listen. Listen to your parents. Listen to your sister. Listen to your friends. Listen to the truth. But you can't face it can you? You can't face the stone cold truth about yourself. You are scared shitless. You think your so tough and can conquer anything. But you can't. Your only 17. You have so much to learn so why don't you just start taking everything in and learn something. Stop going against everyone and everything. It's not cool to follow your friends that got you into this situation in the first place. Be your own person. THINK. Why don't you use that brain for once and think about other people and think about improving yourself. Cause that is what you need. IMPROVEMENT. You need help. Your sick. Your an addict. Your NOT a lost cause. Your Not hopeless. You are just a follower and a confused teenager. Let other people help. Say your gonna do something and follow up on it. Be free. Be clean. Be safe. Have fun. But don't be stupid don't let this life go to waste. Stop running.

...

One two one two. Tick tock tick tock. Beep beep. Vroom vroom. When the next time comes around it will be glorious. Ratatat in one week. San francisco in 2 weeks. Next rave in 3 weeks. Life is good.

Ruff Ruff

Bark bark. Watching sex and the city having an asthma attack. I am so fucking tired. Going on a bike ride soon. I need to drop out of school. I hate it. I hate projects and I hate homework. I just want to get on with my life. Three more days at daphnes then no more job. Job hunt starts soon.

I wish

It was like before. With the butterflies and the cute smiles. But the kiss ruined it.

wow

holy shit. right now tonight wow what a great night. wow i can't believe anything right now. ahily quilter and i are best friends. it is pissing me off that i am not capitalizing anything and that i am not writing properly. listening to eisley wishing i can go to sleep but i dont want to!!! AHH wow i have not had this much fun in a long time! woah holy shit this night was a night to remember. just sit back and chill out niggah everything is fucking amazing! just chill out and you will be fine like everything and everyone. just relax just be one just be united. zen.

landing

it's been 3 days. how disappointing. 

but not surprised.                                                                                   

Once more.

Trying and trying over again to make things better, make it so that everything is okay, so that you don't feel the way you hate to feel. I try so hard. You want to change and beg for help, cry and plead to me about everything, to the point where you just want to get on your knees and pull it out of me. Wanting to do better, wanting change, and saying okay last chance. Well you have fucked up so many chances, always falling back into the same flow, and always letting me down. God fucking dammit I just want to scream and yell at you till it is fully through and stuck into your head. I look after you, I am the best person in your life, I make sure you are not out on the street, but you continuously throw that away, forget about everything I have said, forget about everything I have tried to do to help you. Not remembering that YOU were the one asking, crying, begging for change. And YOU are the one who keeps on blowing it, fucking it up, and going round and round and round. It's just an on going thing with you isn't it? You don't want change. You don't want help. You just want to be STUCK like you keep on getting. Well haha guess what? The one who is trying to make you a better person, trying to help you, trying to get you not stuck anymore, is done helping. DONE. Finished. If you want to try and change I will be here waiting. But I will only be here for the sober, clean, nice, bright, changed you. Nothing else. Nothing less nothing more. Only the changed you. I guess you will just have to learn the difficult way. I hope you find the light. I hope you find your way. I hope you find the you I know and love. I hope you change. Because obviously I can't change you make you better help you. So here you go find your way, carve your path, be you. I am done being played. I am done trying. I am DONE.

.

What an incredible night. Till the next one.

Feel

Complete once again.

54321

GO GO GO GO! Fast. Blast off. Right now. It all starts now. Blast off into the weekend. Dive into fun and excitement. I can't wait for my feet to touch that dance floor and to just dance till 3 in the morning. I can't wait to see those flashing lights. I can't wait to feel the vibrations of the music run through my body. I can't wait to smell the night air polluted with cigarettes and the sweat flying off the intoxicated people. Being one of the only ones sober walking around looking at all of the jingling and brightly colored kandy bracelets. The out of control outfits. The half naked guys and girls. People making out, hooking up, basically having sex on the side. The closterphobic dance floor just jammed against each other making it impossible not to touch someone. The positive energy. The love. The new friends. Trading kandi with every new person you meet. The pure happiness of being there. 

Waiting waiting waiting

Walking back and forth over and over again. Be patient. The days have been just crawling by so slowly this week. I don't understand. Back and forth. One two. One two. Run. Jump. Leap. Try to make things go by faster. Occupy yourself. C'mon. One two one two. Around and around we go. Up and down. Side to side. Forwards Back. In and out. Over and under. Swish swash. Breathe. It will be here shortly.          

Crush

How I feel. Never goes the way. At a point of happiness that you like for once. Something has to destroy it. That's the way it always goes. That's the way it has to go. Right?

EXHILARATING

I PASSED! I FINALLY DID IT! TODAY IS THE BEST DAY EVER! KIRAS BIRTHDAY IS TODAY FRIDAY I AM GOING TO A RAVE THEN KIRAS BIRTHDAY PARTY. I AM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY RIGHT NOW! THIS FEELS GREAT!

Oh the days

When life was simple. No child lied to there parent, and everyone trusted one another. We all sat down at the dinner table together every night and told each other about the fun and exciting things we did in school. When did it all change? When did kids have to constantly lie to there parents? Why so closed in about the things a teen does? Parents that don't trust there kids, having to ground them left and right. I do not understand. Teens lying about the smallest things, about plans for the weekend that are completely safe and fine but they think that there mom or dad are going to flip out on them and say no right away. Why don't you trust your parents? Don't skip to conclusion to try and find the answer that is not always correct. Take a deep breathe. Fall into the abise of trust. You will feel a lot better when you tell one another the truth. Your parents will trust you and not have to punish you for every move you make. So step back and look at the bigger picture. Do you want lying and a troubled life? Or do you want ease, trust, freedom? I know what I picked a long time ago and it works well for me. Never have to lie to my parents I have complete and total trust. And I love it.

Splash

I just want to jump off a cliff and keep on falling until I have                                                                 splashed right into the water.                                                                 All of my troubles and worrieswould just be wiped away and I would be able to breathe again. I want to free fall right into a new start. A fresh clean page. I want to move away and never turn back again. Never see the same place once again. Never be trapped again. I want to get on the next plane and go and run away to the next city i see that suits me. I want culture and experience and ambition. I want to be around people who love to do the same things as I do, who have goals just like myself, who do things because they can't see themselves doing anything but that for the rest of their lives. I want to be surrounded by the strange and unusual. I want new things, spontaneous things, more then just a new mall and movie theater. I want to be in a place where people will know exactly what I am talking about without me having to go into grave detail about it. I want NEW. I want EXCITING. I want my DREAM. just one year and four months. One year and four months. One year and four months.