Rest In Peace Dustin Fante

I have not yet been able to express my emotion towards what happened at 9:08 P.M. Wednesday night February 24th 2010. I have lost someone very close to me and I don't yet believe he is gone. The impact he has made on my life has been tremendous. I didn't really realize how big of a part you played in my life. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many memories fly in and out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes I see memories playing back of good times we have had. I just want to pull you out of a picture and have you sitting next to me again with Sarah and Darrah and Joe just sitting smoking and laughing. I just want to bump into you and say hey. I want to be able to get a call from you pick my phone up and hear you say "hey are you with Sarah right now? Wanna meetup?" I want to call your phone and hear your ringback tone. There are so many things I want to do and this list can go on and on. I want one more moment with you I want to say I'm sorry. The last words I said to you were "dusty you're a low life and you don't deserve Sarah". I can't believe that that has to be the last memory i shared with you. the last moment that we had together was so angry yet you remained so calm and collected and you never were like that when it came to an argument. you loved sarah so much and I never saw anybody care for my best friend as much as you did. The things you would say to me about her were so pure and from the heart. I know that all you wanted was to be with her forever. To share every moment you had with her. She was the only thing that mattered to you . She was the world. Dusty you were one of the most caring people i had ever met. It didnt matter how much I would get on your nerves you would still always be there for me. You were forgiving and true to your friends. I will never forget any of the times I have spent with you. The laughs we have shared and just the unreal moments of what a true friend is. You have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I just wish that I could have learned all of this with you still alive and with us. I can't accept that you are gone at all. I feel as though I will wake up and it would be one of those mornings after a fat party at my house or your house and I'd walk into my parents room to find you and sarah and that room always reeking of weed because you forgot to take it out of your pocket. The morning after a party was always the best cause it was like we were a huge family and you and sarah were the mama and the papa. We have had so many bad moments but all of the millions of amazing moments have over come those bad ones. I never knew this would happen to a friend this close to me and I wish that there was some way any way that I could take everything back and for you to be okay and just ready to hang out and have a good time again. Dusty I have never met someone as genuine as you and I will treasure all of the times we had. You are always in my thoughts and i love you and miss you so much I can't stand it. I would do anything just to see you again and act as though nothing had ever happened. I miss you and I can't wait to see you again one day soon. Take care of all of us and I know you are looking down at us and protecting us. We are looking up at you and talk about you everyday. See you soon Dustin. I will never forget you.
Dustin Koji Fante
11/2/89-2/24/10

Maya.

I miss you.
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i miss you.

thats us but we are better looking.

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Marijuana

I don't want to lie anymore. Everyone I smoke bud. I smoke a lot of bud. I don't want to be judged I don't want to be put down. It's annoying as fuck having to hide it. But I'm a gypsy and I can't help it I have to smoke the ganja. I have been on so much medication lately I feel like bud only levels me out. Yeah yeah I know I sound stupid and like every other "stoner" But I can not lie and I can not lie to you people anymore. Im a marijuana smoking gypsy and that's all I have to say. I wish I was sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand smoking and listening to the grateful dead all day. And eating delicious fruit. -Gypsy.

Anxiety

Taking over my life. Trapped. Fearful.

Sudden realization.

Death. Have you ever been sat down and told if you don't treat this problem you're going to die? Do you understand how scary that is? "Olivia if you don't get your asthma treated you will end up dying" that's what was said to me today in the doctors office. I was then given drugs that might make me have an allergic reaction. Put on more drugs that might make me crazy. Given even more drugs that if the other drugs make me crazy take these drugs to even myself out. Then more proair more qvar. What are they going to do next? Oh and I might get addicted to the pills that will mellow me out if I don't take the with care. I can't take my concerta because that might fuck me up. So no concentration for me for a while. I'm like a human tester. Let's see what we can put Olivia onto next. Maybe one day I'll have my own room in kaiser permanente. The best part of this check up was the doctor put my mom in her place. It was awesome I love this doctor. Btw I got a shot in the butt today. By an Asian. Who hates getting shots too. So cross your fingers that I'm finally treating my asthma correctly and that my treatment keeps my alive. Stay away from the white light. Only good is up ahead.

I don't understand anything you do. I don't understand why you yell why you scream why you make everyone around you feel like they should get up and walk away. The things you do scare me, your actions are always negative, and the emotions you show are always false. You make me lie, you make me not want to be me, you make me break down and cry. How can one person do all of this to someone they say they love? How can you push your own family away and make them not want to be around you? How can you make me hate so much? It's always "Olivia we need to talk about this and that" or "Olivia what are your reasons for this and why do you do that?" You never accept. You never go with the flow. You never help me without a fight. I feel trapped in this world that I need to get out of. I can't be held down and locked up with the feeling of suffocation. Growing up and being put down time after time I get lost. I can't go to you for anything. I can't tell you things that are going on in my life. I can't tell you the whole story I always have to make it so it's okay for you to hear so I don't get into trouble. Being able to have a normal conversation without yelling would be a miracle. The things that you have rubbed off on me will never be able to be taken off. You're the reason I eat, you're the reason I starve myself, you're the reason I have to work out five days a week, you're the reason I hate coming home, you're the reason I love thursdays it's because I don't have to see you, you're the reason I drink, you're the reason I smoke weed, you're the reason I used to do drugs, you're the reason I want to do drugs, you're the reason I can't breathe. You knock me down all the time and I pick myself back up again and rebuild myself, but it's never the same. I am becoming weaker and weaker and I'm not sure how much more I can take until I shatter completely. You're right I am depressed, you're right I am over weight, you're right I am confused, you're right I am scared, you're right I do lie. It's all because of you though. You drive me to do all of these things. You drive me to not want be apart of your life. I hate the things you do. I hate when you talk to me. I hate how you make me feel. I hate your double standards. I hate that you are a hypocrite. I hate you. I will never be able to get away from my lies. I will never be able to get away from my habits. I will never be able to love you like I should love you. You created a monster. You created hate. You created all of the things that are wrong and bad in my life. You have created my fear. I will never be able to be at peace with you. I am a fake person. I am a lousy person. I am a hateful person. I am an ungrateful person. I am a mean person. I am a cheater. I am not a looker. I am not me. I won't ever know exactly who Olivia Mandel is because the Olivia Mandel everyone else sees is covered head to toe in lies. I always say when I move away I am going to start over and I am going to find myself and blah blah blah. But that won't ever happen. I won't ever find that person. I won't be successful. I won't ever be me. But one day, one day I hope and pray and wish that I will be able to break free from everything. Break free from this horrid person and be the person I long to be. You know I am not perfect and I know a lot of nothing. I just have so much to shout, but you, you will never listen. It's your way or no ones way. There is only one way to go in your life. No one can ever tell you other wise because it's wrong. I can't live up to what you want. So I want everything to be thrown away. I want to not be apart of you. I want freedom. Because you are restriction. I want this to end. It never will. So I will go on and I will do the same. I lie, I cheat, I use, I eat, I suffocate. And that's where I will always be. In the world I am trapped in. Fear.

Asthma

Why have you been wanting to kill me lately? I am not sick anymore yet you continue to be acting up. Why is this? I have to had any smoke pass these lips down to my lungs. So what would be the cause of you hating on me? You are the reason I am unable to go to the gym, to sleep comfortably, to run, to jump, to skip, to hop, to anything! It's no good I tell you no good! I don't want to be puffing on my inhaler every 2 minutes it's nonsense! I guess I will forever be the girl who has asthma, gets sick offten, and likes to go home early. Forever will I be looked at as the tall girl with the inhaler. So please just please do me a favor and go away. Be like you used to be and rarely come up. It would be very helpful and nice.