constant

frus⋅tra⋅tion  [fruh-strey-shuhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. act of frustrating; state of being frustrated: the frustration of the president's efforts.
2. an instance of being frustrated: to experience a series of frustrations before completing a project.
3. something that frustrates, as an unresolved problem.
4. a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

It's great isn't it? I can't take it anymore. It is tearing me apart. I just want to break free. But I can't...

The things.

I appreciate in life:
Parents
I honestly thought this would be so easy to come up with. But all I am doing is drawing blanks. Okay let's start over.
The things I appreciate in life:
Parents
Being blessed with the few close friends I have
My voice
Music
Nature
Creativity from my surroundings
Harmony
The fact that I could be so far from someone yet they mean the world
The good times
The bad times
Laughter
Tears
Compassion
Art
Kelly Brook Saslow
Education
Culture
Enemies
The beauty I am blessed with from the grace of Louisa Lenander
The hate and frustration from Benjamin Brookes
The confusion and unstable friendship from Justin Doe Pom.
Th blessing of life

I can't think of anything else
I feel like half of the list is complete bullshit and half is from my heart. I feel like maybe I just wrote most of that down so I could attempt to make a longish list. I hope I could rework that into truth and beauty. One day. Maybe soon. Hopefully. It took my about an hour to think of this. Why can't I think of what makes me happy? I am a happy person, I am content with my life, I have amazing parents, I have beautiful and wise friends. Why can't I think of a simple list? Why?!!? Maybe I really am not happy? No that can't be. I have a roof over my head, a family, friends, an education. Sounds complete to me. But my thoughts are not showing that I really am happy. Don't hide from it olivia. Stay focused. Your happy. You have a good life. Your happy. You have a good life. You're happy. You have a good life. You're happy. You have a good life. You're happy. You have a good life. You're happy....

Never.

Reasons why I hate living in Thousand Oaks, California:
News travels fast
Everyone is in everyones business
Everyone knows everything about everyone
Everyone knows everyone
Seeing people you know where ever you go
No privacy
No one knows what a secret is
No one knows how to keep secrets
Everyone knows about your life
Everyone knows about the mistakes you have made
No one will see you as anything else but the mistakes you have made
No one forgives
They will NEVER forget
You can never break the clique, they will always be the same
So many cliches
The same boring suburb, "let's go meet at starbucks the only hang out place in the whole town"
There is not one place to have fun here
No teen clubs, beside suki 7 and chapter 8, which you pay for over priced place to dance to bad music and be around fucked up people, Hey guess what i can do that for free at a house party
Nothin is new here, ever.
Everyone knows who everyones best friends are
Roomers
Fakes
Hypocrites
Dull
Immature
Selfish
Nothing of a city.

Broken

It hurt to see that last night. After we held hands. After we followed each other around. After we stuck together. When I saw your lips touch hers that tore me apart. Please don't do that again, in front of my face. That ripped through me like a sharp blade. I wanted the butterflies like from the beginning of the night. I want the cuteness. I want sobriety.

I am at a lose right now. I don't know what to write about. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't think I can generate any thoughts about what to say or what to write. An update? What I want to do in life? School? Friends? I don't know! It's all the same. All of the time. Prom, well we all know what happened that night, it was so fun. What I want to do in life is all the same. My parents still won't allow me to take my GED but I guess it's for the best. I kind of want to graduate with all of my friends so that's an upside. A down side though is that I have to stay here for another year. Why?! Just let me move in with my sister please please please! School, well I basically just talked about it. Term paper is finally done thank god! It stressed me out so much god I hated it! I want school to be over already, someone please make that happen? I HATE my english class. I feel so bad for my teacher no one listens and I can just tell that she wants to scream out to the heavens for an answer of how to make these kids listen. Friends, well being in the play brought me to gaining more friends which makes me happy. I was at a lose with friends then I found some amazing people. They make me laugh, smile, and so happy all of the time! I just still wish I could get some answers from the one friend who means a lot to me though. But is it selfish of me to not talk to him? To wait for him to come to his senses and actually acknowledge me because he never has. I have done so much for him and be the best of friend to him. I just wish he would call me just to ask how I was doing. Call me to see if I wanted to hang out. Text me just to say hi not to ask when my mom can cut his hair. God damn I just want him to see that I am there and that I love him but no he is to selfish and too self absorbed to try and open his eyes and see. Hey guess what your "best friend" is gone buddy. What's next? I hope change. Anyway I see my bleezy fo sheezy in 3 weeks. I can't wait to see her beautiful face. That will bring some good into my life! I miss her so much everyday! It's beach time soon. I need to get on that. I love the beach! I remember I used to HATE the beach. I am so glad things changed. I need some entertainment. Well hopefully michaels parents go out of town tomorrow then party on! And then saturday beach party after the play! I am so excited and happy. Brings smiles to my face. I am totally out of things to talk about now. Hopefully it won't take me such a long time to think of my next blog. I miss it. :(

My night

was an explosion of fun.

Odd.

Wow haven't seen you in a while. Which is quite odd for me. Well things that have been happening, emilio and rachael crash, play is annoying, my mom gets accused of shop lifting, grateful dead concert wow deserves a blog for it's own, ummmm pwom? this weekend? I think sooo! Well i'll update you later.

I'll see you soon.

So you lost you trust
and you never should have, no you never should have
but don't break your back, if you ever see this
but don't answer that

Chorus--
in a bullet-proof vest, with the windows all closed
i'll been doing my best, i'll see you soon
in a telescope lens, and when all you want's friends,
i'll see you soon

so it came for you it came snapping at your heels
it came snapping at your heels
but don't break your back
if you ever say this
but don't answer that

chorus

i'll see you soon

and oh, you lost your trust
and oh, you lost your trust
no, don't lose your trust
no, you lost your trust

I love you papa gerig.

Alright

So you know that blog I did a while ago about the butterfles? Well this is twenty times better then before. I can't stop smiling. I am so happy right now. I feel on top of the world. Nothing can stop this. I hope it lasts because I hope you stay for a while. I can't wait till next weekend. Anticipation. I'm dying. But I am so overjoyed.

Ahhhhhhh :)

I had such a good weekend. The butterflies are back! :)