Anxiety

Taking over my life. Trapped. Fearful.

Sudden realization.

Death. Have you ever been sat down and told if you don't treat this problem you're going to die? Do you understand how scary that is? "Olivia if you don't get your asthma treated you will end up dying" that's what was said to me today in the doctors office. I was then given drugs that might make me have an allergic reaction. Put on more drugs that might make me crazy. Given even more drugs that if the other drugs make me crazy take these drugs to even myself out. Then more proair more qvar. What are they going to do next? Oh and I might get addicted to the pills that will mellow me out if I don't take the with care. I can't take my concerta because that might fuck me up. So no concentration for me for a while. I'm like a human tester. Let's see what we can put Olivia onto next. Maybe one day I'll have my own room in kaiser permanente. The best part of this check up was the doctor put my mom in her place. It was awesome I love this doctor. Btw I got a shot in the butt today. By an Asian. Who hates getting shots too. So cross your fingers that I'm finally treating my asthma correctly and that my treatment keeps my alive. Stay away from the white light. Only good is up ahead.

I don't understand anything you do. I don't understand why you yell why you scream why you make everyone around you feel like they should get up and walk away. The things you do scare me, your actions are always negative, and the emotions you show are always false. You make me lie, you make me not want to be me, you make me break down and cry. How can one person do all of this to someone they say they love? How can you push your own family away and make them not want to be around you? How can you make me hate so much? It's always "Olivia we need to talk about this and that" or "Olivia what are your reasons for this and why do you do that?" You never accept. You never go with the flow. You never help me without a fight. I feel trapped in this world that I need to get out of. I can't be held down and locked up with the feeling of suffocation. Growing up and being put down time after time I get lost. I can't go to you for anything. I can't tell you things that are going on in my life. I can't tell you the whole story I always have to make it so it's okay for you to hear so I don't get into trouble. Being able to have a normal conversation without yelling would be a miracle. The things that you have rubbed off on me will never be able to be taken off. You're the reason I eat, you're the reason I starve myself, you're the reason I have to work out five days a week, you're the reason I hate coming home, you're the reason I love thursdays it's because I don't have to see you, you're the reason I drink, you're the reason I smoke weed, you're the reason I used to do drugs, you're the reason I want to do drugs, you're the reason I can't breathe. You knock me down all the time and I pick myself back up again and rebuild myself, but it's never the same. I am becoming weaker and weaker and I'm not sure how much more I can take until I shatter completely. You're right I am depressed, you're right I am over weight, you're right I am confused, you're right I am scared, you're right I do lie. It's all because of you though. You drive me to do all of these things. You drive me to not want be apart of your life. I hate the things you do. I hate when you talk to me. I hate how you make me feel. I hate your double standards. I hate that you are a hypocrite. I hate you. I will never be able to get away from my lies. I will never be able to get away from my habits. I will never be able to love you like I should love you. You created a monster. You created hate. You created all of the things that are wrong and bad in my life. You have created my fear. I will never be able to be at peace with you. I am a fake person. I am a lousy person. I am a hateful person. I am an ungrateful person. I am a mean person. I am a cheater. I am not a looker. I am not me. I won't ever know exactly who Olivia Mandel is because the Olivia Mandel everyone else sees is covered head to toe in lies. I always say when I move away I am going to start over and I am going to find myself and blah blah blah. But that won't ever happen. I won't ever find that person. I won't be successful. I won't ever be me. But one day, one day I hope and pray and wish that I will be able to break free from everything. Break free from this horrid person and be the person I long to be. You know I am not perfect and I know a lot of nothing. I just have so much to shout, but you, you will never listen. It's your way or no ones way. There is only one way to go in your life. No one can ever tell you other wise because it's wrong. I can't live up to what you want. So I want everything to be thrown away. I want to not be apart of you. I want freedom. Because you are restriction. I want this to end. It never will. So I will go on and I will do the same. I lie, I cheat, I use, I eat, I suffocate. And that's where I will always be. In the world I am trapped in. Fear.

Asthma

Why have you been wanting to kill me lately? I am not sick anymore yet you continue to be acting up. Why is this? I have to had any smoke pass these lips down to my lungs. So what would be the cause of you hating on me? You are the reason I am unable to go to the gym, to sleep comfortably, to run, to jump, to skip, to hop, to anything! It's no good I tell you no good! I don't want to be puffing on my inhaler every 2 minutes it's nonsense! I guess I will forever be the girl who has asthma, gets sick offten, and likes to go home early. Forever will I be looked at as the tall girl with the inhaler. So please just please do me a favor and go away. Be like you used to be and rarely come up. It would be very helpful and nice.

So stressed

I have my two finals tomorrow. I have a D in english and a C in government. I am so scared i am not going to graduate. This is one of the most frightening things ever. I hope i do okay and get atleast a B on my english and government final. Please please please do well olivia.