I wish

I wish that I could write. That I could write for hours and the perfect words will just flow right out of my finger tips onto the keyboard then appear on my computer. I wish that I still had that ability but it seems like every time I come back to write once again another blog all I do is draw blanks. One right after the other. My blog entrees become worse and worse by every publish. I need to let go and just let my mind wander. I need to break out and see what is outside of myself, of the "norm" of Olivia Rose Mandel's Upside down, Inside out blogspt page. The pounding on my head of the things that need to be put down on this page but just can't and shouldn't.

Sometimes I feel as though I have to be "deep" On these blogs but then just realize that hey no one reads these, except the occasional lurker or two. But should I be calling them lurkers if these pages are to be lurked? What about the "lurkies" that I want to have shuffling in and out of my blog pages, read over and over again about how I feel, about that 16 year old jewish girl who lives in a boring city in california, goes to an average school that nothing happens at, gets average grades but doesn't care much for the classes, sings in this mediocre choir, and one of the best things in her life is that she has an amazing dad but hates that all of her friends love him and want to be friends with him but in fact she just wants to keep him all to herself because her dad is really in fact her best friend that she goes to for everything. How about that? Does that sound exciting to you? Would you read a book about just an average girl who lives in a nothing town, sings, is a bitch, self conscious about her images and hates that she is always and always has to be the chubby girl? Doesn't sound too entertaining to me. In fact if I wrote a book about that I wouldn't even read it.

Can't sleep ever, can't think, can't set goals, can't breathe. My asthma keeps me up. My goals keep on getting harder to reach. My mind is being cluttered with garbage which makes it so I can't think. When am I going to have that break through? When will this all start? I need the answers I can not get. I need the goals I can not reach. I need the sleep I can not fulfill. I need the air that I cannot breathe. I need the thoughts that I cannot gather. I hope they come to me soon.

Slowly but surely everything will fall into place. Right? Yes yes right. Just like how school has slowly but surely come to an end. Just a few days left, I can see the finish line. It was a good year. Parties, new friends, old friends, new beginnings, getting rid of the bad, letting the good in, ending friendships, seeking relationships, heart throbs, and heart breaks, let's bring it on. Let's conquer senior year with a good finish and a fresh start. Only a few months till we rule the school. I think...